Some days are easier than others. There are days that fly by, and days at drag on. I have struggled and fought postpartum depression with the birth of each child. This time was no different. This time I became a completely different person. A shell of who I was before this pregnancy. I talked to my doctor. We worked out a plan. I expressed my concern and disdain for anti depressants and how I felt awful that taking one was helping. He probably explained it the best I've ever heard. "You don't get an epidural during labor because you're weak. You do it because you're in pain. It's like a crutch if you break your foot. You just need it until you're better. It's not forever." This put me at ease. Because I need to be better. I need to able to remain calm even when I want to lose my cool. Even when my kids have unfolded the laundry for the umpteenth time today. When one of the littles has spilled his food down his third change of clothes for the day. I think it's important to be honest with yourself. It's important to be honest with your doctor. Postpartum hormones are very strong. PPD is very real, and very scary..and in a lot of cases, won't just go away on its own. At first I chalked it up to "the baby blues" mood swings, feeling tearful. But then I realized how bad it really was. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I was angry. I was temperamental. I was not happy. But wasn't I supposed to be? I just had a baby! This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life right? Wrong. Yes, I am over the moon ecstatic to have a healthy, beautiful baby to love and care for and watch grow and blossom into eventual adulthood. But I couldn't make the bad feelings go away. I couldn't stop doubting myself. I couldn't accept that my body had just given birth and shouldn't be expected to snap back like a rubberband to a bikini ready body. It doesn't work that way. Easy enough to understand right? Not so much. I was blinded by hormones. My mind was foggy. Days were blurring together and I had to desire to do much of anything. I still have my emotional days. Im still really freaking tired, and I still have the same amount of stress. But my mind is clear. I can calmly handle every day tasks and situations. I still struggle with my image. But I'm working on it. I have a loving, caring husband, and four beautiful boys with the quirkiest personalities and the cutest little faces. My life is not perfect. But it is so very full of love and laughter and togetherness. And that's enough for me. I hope that if you face any of these challenges, if you feel like you are struggling, that you will also seek help. Talk to a friend, your spouse, a family member...someone. Sometimes just talking it out can help things make sense. Just remember..it's only a bad day...not a bad life. It won't last forever and you WILL smile again. You will one day feel rested. I've decided that life is too short not to focus on the good and the happy. Find your happy.
Mother of Boys,
Over and out.
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