I know it's been a few days since I've posted. So this might be a tad long winded and I'm sorry. The last few days have been a blur. I've been crying about literally everything. No, I'm not pregnant. My poor husband, he's been trying really hard to keep me happy and keep my thoughts in the positive light. It makes me feel even more awful that as hard as he's trying, I'm still struggling to find the smiles and fight back the tears. Today was a better day, thank goodness. The feelings were awful. Most days, I don't want to mom, I don't want to wife..I just want to cry and sleep. But that's not an option. I hurt. For a while I was working out..and I assumed that my body was hurting because it was sore from working out. So I tried to take it easy, and the pain is only getting worse. Last night...my legs went numb and almost gave out when I tried to carry Alexander to bed, I've never felt more afraid. I have to get this checked out. Something is just not quite right. But can I just say...the support system I have acquired over the last month, the last few weeks even..astounds me. Since posting about my PPD, I've had a few really amazing moms open up to me that they were also battling with panic attacks and PPD and I am so moved and I feel privelaged that they felt I could be a resource, someone to confide in, someone to relate to. Because we are not alone. My hope in writing, is to show other women just that..we need to encourage eachother. To support eachother. To be there when shit hits the fan and you don't know your ass from your elbows because life just gets that hazy sometimes in a mind that has been overrun by hormones and irrational thoughts.
Sunday we had a birthday party. Let me just say, that if I come to your party, whatever the occasion it may be for...you can be sure that I like you and want you to be a part of my life, because parties make me uncomfortable. EXTREMELY uncomfortable. This is made especially difficult by the fact that I have small children. Curious, energetic, rambunctious...children. And as children are know to do, they love to look at all the neat things at other peoples houses that children shouldn't be anywhere near because they are either fragile and/or expensive. Please people. For the love of mothers sanity everywhere...either gate off your fancy dining room, or don't throw kids parties at your house if you're going to get mad when the Kids want to LOOK at the super cool new figurine they just discovered. This makes me feel like my kids are little hoodlums. And they're not. They're really quite sweet. They help me around the house, help with their baby brother, they help me walk the dog and clean the kitty litter...and for the most part remember their manners. But again, this makes me very uncomfortable because I feel like I'm being judged for allowing my children to be children.
It may sound completely far fetched to some...but I can feel people emotions. I can feel the ire feelings toward me. And it's exhausting. This is how I know I could never be a counselor. I would love to. I want so badly to help others...but I tend to absorb other people's emotions. Their pain, their sadness. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I've had anxiety since I was a kid...I just didn't know what it was at the time. I don't like going out for this reason. Don't get confused, I'm not a hermit. We go for walks and to the park. We play outside almost every day. I go to family and friends houses. Even that is exhausting for me, but I do it...because I love these people and want them to know that I care..so I show up whenever possible.
Aaron has reached his "terrible twos, I'm pushing the limits" stage. So much fun. We're working on talking out the temper. I try to teach the kids that while it's okay to get upset, it is not okay to hit or take out your frustration in a destructive manner. My kids aren't Angels. But they're kids. Little kids trying to figure out big emotions. And if you can't understand that and treat them with respect...you can honestly fuck off. Yes. I said it. I will get all mama bear about it. Just because they're little doesn't mean they don't deserve respect. You have to give it, to get it. It's not always easy, but how do you expect them to learn if you don't set the example? Alexander shoved past his uncle while visiting today. Instead of flip out in him, my brother gave him a hard time, made him apologize, and told him why it wasn't okay. I am beyond grateful for this. For the most part..the boys have a thick skin. But if they're tired and it's been a long day..they get upset and all bent out of shape and will cry for a freaking hour because you "yelled" at them. Kind of like mommy when she's pregnant. 😂
I'm starting to make scrubs in hopes of starting a business. I love them and they're amazing. It leaves my skin so soft, and it's all natural so i can feel good about what I'm putting on my body...plus they smell delicious! I cannot wait to share it with everyone!
I'll wrap it up now..but I want to leave you with this.....
If the last words you say to someone are the last ones you get, are you okay with what you've said?
Be kind. Be the change you want to see in the world.
Mother of Boys,
Over and out.
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