A little bit of everything.

 I know it's been a few days since I've posted. So this might be a tad long winded and I'm sorry. The last few days have been a blur. I've been crying about literally everything. No, I'm not pregnant. My poor husband, he's been trying really hard to keep me happy and keep my thoughts in the positive light. It makes me feel even more awful that as hard as he's trying, I'm still struggling to find the smiles and fight back the tears. Today was a better day, thank goodness. The feelings were awful. Most days, I don't want to mom, I don't want to wife..I just want to cry and sleep. But that's not an option. I hurt. For a while I was working out..and I assumed that my body was hurting because it was sore from working out. So I tried to take it easy, and the pain is only getting worse. Last night...my legs went numb and almost gave out when I tried to carry Alexander to bed, I've never felt more afraid. I have to get this checked out. Something is just not quite right. But can I just say...the support system I have acquired over the last month, the last few weeks even..astounds me. Since posting about my PPD, I've had a few really amazing moms open up to me that they were also battling with panic attacks and PPD and I am so moved and I feel privelaged that they felt I could be a resource, someone to confide in, someone to relate to. Because we are not alone. My hope in writing, is to show other women just that..we need to encourage eachother. To support eachother. To be there when shit hits the fan and you don't know your ass from your elbows because life just gets that hazy sometimes in a mind that has been overrun by hormones and irrational thoughts.

   Sunday we had a birthday party. Let me just say, that if I come to your party, whatever the occasion it may be for...you can be sure that I like you and want you to be a part of my life, because parties make me uncomfortable. EXTREMELY uncomfortable. This is made especially difficult by the fact that I have small children. Curious, energetic, rambunctious...children. And as children are know to do, they love to look at all the neat things at other peoples houses that children shouldn't be anywhere near because they are either fragile and/or expensive. Please people. For the love of mothers sanity everywhere...either gate off your fancy dining room, or don't throw kids parties at your house if you're going to get mad when the Kids want to LOOK at the super cool new figurine they just discovered. This makes me feel like my kids are little hoodlums. And they're not. They're really quite sweet. They help me around the house, help with their baby brother, they help me walk the dog and clean the kitty litter...and for the most part remember their manners. But again, this makes me very uncomfortable because I feel like I'm being judged for allowing my children to be children.

   It may sound completely far fetched to some...but I can feel people emotions. I can feel the ire feelings toward me. And it's exhausting. This is how I know I could never be a counselor. I would love to. I want so badly to help others...but I tend to absorb other people's emotions. Their pain, their sadness. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I've had anxiety since I was a kid...I just didn't know what it was at the time. I don't like going out for this reason. Don't get confused, I'm not a hermit. We go for walks and to the park. We play outside almost every day. I go to family and friends houses. Even that is exhausting for me, but I do it...because I love these people and want them to know that I care..so I show up whenever possible.

   Aaron has reached his "terrible twos, I'm pushing the limits" stage. So much fun. We're working on talking out the temper. I try to teach the kids that while it's okay to get upset, it is not okay to hit or take out your frustration in a destructive manner. My kids aren't Angels. But they're kids. Little kids trying to figure out big emotions. And if you can't understand that and treat them with respect...you can honestly fuck off. Yes. I said it. I will get all mama bear about it. Just because they're little doesn't mean they don't deserve respect. You have to give it, to get it.  It's not always easy, but how do you expect them to learn if you don't set the example? Alexander shoved past his uncle while visiting today. Instead of flip out in him, my brother gave him a hard time, made him apologize, and told him why it wasn't okay. I am beyond grateful for this. For the most part..the boys have a thick skin. But if they're tired and it's been a long day..they get upset and all bent out of shape and will cry for a freaking hour because you "yelled" at them. Kind of like mommy when she's pregnant. 😂

    I'm starting to make scrubs in hopes of starting a business. I love them and they're amazing. It leaves my skin so soft, and it's all natural so i can feel good about what I'm putting on my body...plus they smell delicious! I cannot wait to share it with everyone!

  I'll wrap it up now..but I want to leave you with this.....
If the last words you say to someone are the last ones you get, are you okay with what you've said?
Be kind. Be the change you want to see in the world.

   
      Mother of Boys,
       Over and out.

PPD and how it happened to me.

   Some days are easier than others. There are days that fly by, and days at drag on. I have struggled and fought postpartum depression with the birth of each child. This time was no different. This time I became a completely different person. A shell of who I was before this pregnancy. I talked to my doctor. We worked out a plan. I expressed my concern and disdain for anti depressants and how I felt awful that taking one was helping. He probably explained it the best I've ever heard. "You don't get an epidural during labor because you're weak. You do it because you're in pain. It's like a crutch if you break your foot. You just need it until you're better. It's not forever." This put me at ease. Because I need to be better. I need to able to remain calm even when I want to lose my cool. Even when my kids have unfolded the laundry for the umpteenth time today. When one of the littles has spilled his food down his third change of clothes for the day. I think it's important to be honest with yourself. It's important to be honest with your doctor. Postpartum hormones are very strong. PPD is very real, and very scary..and in a lot of cases, won't just go away on its own. At first I chalked it up to "the baby blues" mood swings, feeling tearful. But then I realized how bad it really was. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I was angry. I was temperamental. I was not happy. But wasn't I supposed to be? I just had a baby! This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life right? Wrong. Yes, I am over the moon ecstatic to have a healthy, beautiful baby to love and care for and watch grow and blossom into eventual adulthood. But I couldn't make the bad feelings go away. I couldn't stop doubting myself. I couldn't accept that my body had just given birth and shouldn't be expected to snap back like a rubberband to a bikini ready body. It doesn't work that way. Easy enough to understand right? Not so much. I was blinded by hormones. My mind was foggy. Days were blurring together and I had to desire to do much of anything. I still have my emotional days. Im still really freaking tired, and I still have the same amount of stress. But my mind is clear. I can calmly handle every day tasks and situations. I still struggle with my image. But I'm working on it. I have a loving, caring husband, and four beautiful boys with the quirkiest personalities and the cutest little faces. My life is not perfect. But it is so very full of love and laughter and togetherness. And that's enough for me. I hope that if you face any of these challenges, if you feel like you are struggling, that you will also seek help. Talk to a friend, your spouse, a family member...someone. Sometimes just talking it out can help things make sense. Just remember..it's only a bad day...not a bad life. It won't last forever and you WILL smile again. You will one day feel rested. I've decided that life is too short not to focus on the good and the happy. Find your happy.

    Mother of Boys,
       Over and out.

hormones or something,

   Some days are easier than others. There are days that fly by, and days at drag on. I have struggled and fought postpartum depression with the birth of each child. This time was no different. This time I became a completely different person. A shell of who I was before this pregnancy. I talked to my doctor. We worked out a plan. I expressed my concern and disdain for anti depressants and how I felt awful that taking one was helping. He probably explained it the best I've ever heard. "You don't get an epidural during labor because you're weak. You do it because you're in pain. It's like a crutch if you break your foot. You just need it until you're better. It's not forever." This put me at ease. Because I need to be better. I need to able to remain calm even when I want to lose my cool. Even when my kids have unfolded the laundry for the umpteenth time today. When one of the littles has spilled his food down his third change of clothes for the day. I think it's important to be honest with yourself. It's important to be honest with your doctor. Postpartum hormones are very strong. PPD is very real, and very scary..and in a lot of cases, won't just go away on its own. At first I chalked it up to "the baby blues" mood swings, feeling tearful. But then I realized how bad it really was. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I was angry. I was temperamental. I was not happy. But wasn't I supposed to be? I just had a baby! This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life right? Wrong. Yes, I am over the moon ecstatic to have a healthy, beautiful baby to love and care for and watch grow and blossom into eventual adulthood. But I couldn't make the bad feelings go away. I couldn't stop doubting myself. I couldn't accept that my body had just given birth and shouldn't be expected to snap back like a rubberband to a bikini ready body. It doesn't work that way. Easy enough to understand right? Not so much. I was blinded by hormones. My mind was foggy. Days were blurring together and I had to desire to do much of anything. I still have my emotional days. Im still really freaking tired, and I still have the same amount of stress. But my mind is clear. I can calmly handle every day tasks and situations. I still struggle with my image. But I'm working on it. I have a loving, caring husband, and four beautiful boys with the quirkiest personalities and the cutest little faces. My life is not perfect. But it is so very full of love and laughter and togetherness. And that's enough for me. I hope that if you face any of these challenges, if you feel like you are struggling, that you will also seek help. Talk to a friend, your spouse, a family member...someone. Sometimes just talking it out can help things make sense. Just remember..it's only a bad day...not a bad life. It won't last forever and you WILL smile again. You will one day feel rested. I've decided that life is too short not to focus on the good and the happy. Find your happy.

    Mother of Boys,
       Over and out.

Pigs are flying, right?

     As some of you may know...I encourage my kids to help clean up, but I don't force them. Today, I told Alexander that in order to play a game, he had to help Austin empty the dishwasher. And he did it! He actually did it! He put away the silverware all by himself, and put away the things he could reach. I am so unbelievably proud right now. Obviously, he did it to be able to play a game. But normally even when that's the case, he still refuses to clean up. He didn't fuss, didn't complain...he just did it. And they were happy about it. I love this. I love that at the age of four he is beginning to understand responsibility. I don't mind them playing a video game. I don't. But I don't want them thinking that someone is just going to walk around picking up after them their whole lives. They've been doing awesome working together. They're helping each other learn how to write letters and numbers..and even words! The May bicker and brawl...but the bond between these brothers is a beautiful thing.

   Mother of Boys,
      Over and out.

Big brothers to the rescue.

 I seriously love how the older boys come to comfort Axel. If he cries, they all come running. Even the dog comes running to see what's up. It's quite the ordeal. And then, they HAVE to help. Especially Aaron. This morning, I noticed axels toenails could use a trim.  I had just clipped his fingernails a few minutes ago, and silly me, I left the clippers on the ottoman..which I was sitting on at this point. I ask the boys if they've seen them. Aaron is quick to chime in,"clippers! Me pocket!" Sure enough, he pulls the clippers out of his pocket and hands them to me. (Aaron loves pockets...and will specifically request pants with pockets so he can out stuff in them. This makes laundry even more exciting.) as I'm clipping Axels nails, Aaron stand watch reminding me,"gentle mommy, gentle." "Thank you buddy, I will make sure I'm gentle." As I'm hearing "hi-yah!" "Owwww!" "Heeheeheehee" "super slam!" "Hahahaha" from the other room where Austin and Alexander are playing. If his husband of mine ever wakes up today, we're supposed to be going to a lularoe launch party for a friend of ours. I'm super excited. If you haven't tried their leggings, and you like leggings, you should definitely try them! I haven't tried the dresses or shirts. But I'm excited to see and try some on today as I've heard they're pretty nursing friendly! And with a baby who needs boob on the regular, accessibility is key. Now to pack up so,e snacks and hopefully get out of here on time!

 Mother of Boys,
     Over and out!

Hello lovelies! I'm not so sure how long this will be since the kids messed with the iPad and now the screen is flipped which would be cool but it's cracked and it makes this all wonky looking. I was talking with a friend of mine today and we were discussing how hard it is to make friends as an adult. Because, you don't go to work to make friends, you don't really go out to meet up with friends because everyone has kids and the kids have school and events and practices. Life gets hectic! But as moms, we NEED friends. We need another mom to say ,"hey, I know you're exhausted and it's hard right now but you're doing a great job and you've got this." We need to be reminded that we are more than our roles. To my children, I'm mommy. To my husband, I'm his wife. To me...what am I to me? How do I see myself? I can tell you, it's not pretty. We're usually our own harshest critic. And that needs to stop. Moms, if you see another mom struggling with her kiddos..it's okay to offer her a hand. Seriously. And you know what? She might even thank you. *gasp*

  It was so easy to make friends when you interacted with 100s of people on a regular basis. Now, all the other parents have their circles. It doesn't feel like high school ever actually ended does it? And maybe you know some really awesome moms and they're super nice...but they've already got friends and bonds and they aren't looking to make any new ones. I'm not saying go and pretend to be friends with people you can't stand. Don't do that. Encourage other moms. Lift them up. Show them support and understanding. Regardless of your own opinions, every mother has to do what works best for her family. Be a friend. Be someone you would want to be friends with. I cannot stress enough..."Treat others as you would like to be treated." Life is hard enough without feeling like you're being judged. Or feeling like you're unwanted or just don't fit in.

   Parenting is hard. It is. It's also the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Period. Hands down. Those boys may seem like little hellions sometimes. But you know what? They're kids. Yes. I said it. Kids. Kids who should be allowed to run, jump and play as kids do. It's healthy for them to have lots of energy and to want to be rambunctious. What's not normal is expecting them to sit still for any extended period of time. You know why I don't keep fancy, breakable or expensive things where the boys might break it? Not because they intentionally break things. They don't. But accidents happen. So rather than get mad because something got broken, I choose to be patient with them and wait until they're older and can understand how these accidents happen and how to avoid them. I am letting my kids be kids. And I choose to surround myself with people who support that. I don't have alot of friends. But I have some really amazing ones. Ones who are there for me when I need them, ones who drive hours to show up at the boys birthday parties and most importantly, ones who show my children and myself respect.

  We can all make this world a better place. "Love all, trust a few, and do wrong to none."

       Mother of Boys,
          Over and out.

Hello morning! Pancakes. Coffee. Alright. Lots to do today. Hoping to hear back from this job for hubby. I'm nervous and and excited. So. What happens when you tell the toddler not to touch the hot pan you're using to make pancakes? You know..the one all the way on the BACK of the stove? He touches it. Poor Aaron. He's the cutest when things like this happen. "Mommy. Me finger burn." "You burned your finger?!" "Yeahhhh. Mommy blow on it?" "Sure sweetheart." These little moments. They melt my heart. Moments where I can make him feel better..moments where he looks to me for comfort and I have an answer. I know I won't always be able to help him, I won't always have the answers..but I do right now and that's enough for me. Alexander is up now. I'm holding my breath waiting for them to start fighting. Or for someone to complain about someone else's butt being in their face. Or someone standing in front of the TV...or you know..someone breathing the wrong way while looking in the wrong direction. Or eating his brothers food even though they all have the EXACT SAME thing.  That's all for now. I hope you'll follow my blog for updates, antics, stories and more!

Until then,
  Mother of Boys over and out.